Proctology

​

He was an anal fissure man,

no fancy rod had he;

just fingering, or in the dark

a colonoscopy

 

A patient came, a handsome chap

whose walk was rather funny –

he fronted up, then turned around:

“Now doctor, earn your money.”

 

The gloves went on, the digit out

to probe his patient’s rectum;

he pulled out three brown mice, it was

too late to resurrect ‘em.

 

But that’s not all he found and soon

he had to call for backup

the nurses came, his arm went in,

objects began to stack up.

 

A mobile phone, a Matchbox car,

a water pistol, loaded,

a dozen eggs, some chewing gum,

two fireworks (unexploded),

 

a newspaper, a teddy bear,

what looked like someone’s beard,

a box of Roses chocolates… well,

at last the hole was cleared.

 

The man turned round.  “Well that was fun,

but what I need is simple:

I want to know if this here spot’s

a freckle or a pimple.”