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I don't usually define in the negative, but...

Things I do not enjoy doing:

  • talking about celebrities

  • talking about celebrities' bums

  • watching celebrities, or people who desperately wish to convince the world that they ARE celebrities, eat spiders and use nettles for toilet paper while being filmed for a TV show that networks should have been too ashamed to make

  • randomly adding people on social media

  • adding people who then decide I'd be a good convert for their church

  • looking at photographs of other people's food

  • explaining sarcasm to the terminally literal

  • explaining that yes, I do know I made a pun/double entendre/ other random word play, because I'm a poet and I am quite used to choosing my words very carefully, so you're not being clever by pointing it out to me, sorry, thanks for playing though

  • collaborating with other people

  • trying to explain that no, I don't use drugs and no, I don't think they'd improve my poetry -- why, do you think my poetry needs more psychedelia? Well screw you and your lime green llama

  • pretending to care about first world problems

  • talking on the telephone, Skype or anything else but in person

  • talking to strangers

  • having strangers look at me

  • going to the supermarket where I'm being judged for what I put in my trolley

  • trying on shoes or clothes

  • starting lists I can't stop

  • thinking of something meaningful to end with

  • hashtags #grumpypoet #donttrytosellmestuff

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