Untitled, unfinished, unknown
This is the only entirely autobiographical poem I've ever written. It was incredibly difficult and could only come out as free verse, which is fitting I suppose. I don't share it lightly, but for International Women's Day I think it's important to remind everyone that no matter what you've been through, someone else knows what it's like and has survived it as well.
I don't for one second pretend that my situation was as dire as that of far too many women around the world. This is not a sympathy bid.
“How could you leave me?
I did everything
for you…”
So selfless
you took my virginity
on your living room floor
piercing my innocence
burning my soul
with the cheap carpet
as tears formed
I tasted blood on my lips
and you said:“I hope that was good
I’ve already come.”
And then,“That’s four virgins for me.”
So selfless
when you told me
that all your girlfriends
had left you for other men
and you knew that I would never betray you
I take trust seriously
so I had no choice
So selfless
you didn’t bother to buy me a birthday present
that year – you just said,“Go and pick out a ring you like
I suppose it’s time we got married.”
So selfless
we were married at three in the afternoon
so it didn’t conflict
with your baseball game
On the fourth of July so you could say
it was the day you lost your independence
How amusing
So selfless
when our first child was born
and I had my fifty odd stitches
your first question was,“You’re kidding? Six weeks?”
and you didn’t believe it
so you had to have your way
despite the pain
So selfless
when I graduated first in my year
and was invited to the Dean’s Ball
you couldn’t wait to go
and tell the “useless intellectuals”
they were wasting their lives
so I didn’t give you the chance
and missed another dream
I wish you had beaten me
So I could share the bruises
So selfless
when I said I didn’t want any more children
at least for a while
you thought I wanted contraception
so I could go off and have an affair
So selfless
that when I was in hospital with our second child
trying desperately to rest
you would phone me whenever
our son woke up
because you couldn’t look after him
on your own
So selfless
that if I said no
you would make me watch you
while you took care of yourself
and then insist
that I finish you off
so there was no mess
So selfless
that I had to learnto fake it well
because no orgasm meant
I wasn’t trying
So selfless
I broke faith
with my faith
because God did not have to live
with the constant mantra
"It could be worse"
So selfless
that when I said I was leaving
it came as a shock
you said you’d never been warned
you said I was being irrational
you said I needed to grow up
I said goodbye
How could I leave you?
You did everything
for you
